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Monday, November 20th, 2006
1:55 am - confusion or tired of cheating the system
Well, Ben and I have been on break for about a month and will soon be getting back together as agreed upon Thanksgiving.
Clay and I have been seeing each other for about a month, though I guess it's not accurate to say we were dating. Apparently he was cheating on his girlfriend of a year and a half with me and didn't say anything about her once. She broke up with him for another guy today. He told me all sorts of details and feels like shit for everything and apologized. I have no idea how to feel about it.

All the times he seemed a little not so much distant as emotionally uninvolved come to mind with the times he was forgetful about things I said.

My roomie is gone, taking her break already. Her dad called me while we were working on an ethics project and told me she wouldn't be coming back and not to worry about her being stranded by the side of the road somewhere. I hope she's not sick though, she hasn't answered my texts and hasn't been online. I'll have to take both of the babies back with me when I go home.

Bathroommate issues are shaky.

current mood: distressed

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Monday, May 8th, 2006
10:16 am - fly, how dare you land on my precious Watson?
Spent most of the day at Ben's boat. Yesterday was the Celtic sailing festival so some random woman from another boat came over to join us since hers was being bug bombed. So all the females had to wear sheets and flowers and look like innocent virgins or something and decorate the boat with flowers tinsel. We did win the decorations part of the contest and recieved a shit ton of alcohol, of which I got none. Lol, the woman thought I was part of the family and kept telling me to go help my mom and sister. Don't even look like them...

Since I didn't feel like driving home Ben did and we went with his dad to a gun show in Lawrenceville. Considering that I have no interest whatsoever in guns nor in being around scary looking country folk it was boring as hell except that I saw Ian for the first time since around Thanksgiving or Christmas. He was suprised to see a Shirk at a gun show. Ben's dad went for a specific gun but while he didn't find it, still came home with some crazy expensive night vision stuff for sailing purposes.

Wish the ceilings in this house were a couple feet higher, I hate feeling closed in. When I was little I'd often think rooms were shrinking and I'd be trapped.

Wish I were back on the boat, the rocking is nice and I can still feel it.

For the most part, Friday was pretty horrible. Did get to sleep in relatively late but had to drive back to school to get the rest of my stuff and check out. I was almost to Hiawassee when it happened. Everyone was stopped and I didn't know why until I saw a duck leading her babies across the road to the lake. A guy on the other side of the road that had been stopped got in the turn lane before the ducks got there. A cop had been behind him and who must have seen why everyone was stopped. He went forward as the baby ducks began to cross his lane, looked like he was going to stop for them, but then kept going. I saw the tiny yellow ducklings flutter around in confusion as the front of the cop car passed over them, then a tire. When it had left there was just a hole in the little line and blood...

Then after packing/cleaning for 2+ hours, and missing my checkout time, Brian called to tell me he wouldn't be there to trade out the mattresses for another two hours because he was stuck in traffic on 400. Ben had called me earlier to invite me to the boat that night and I thought he was leaving for home in the morning so even if I went, I wouldn't have enough time to do anything. Susan (the RD) came up at one point pissed at me for not checking out before 6:00 and not knowing when I'd be able to leave.

On top of that, I was still in a shitty mood from the events of the previous night and still kinda mad at Ben for ignoring me. But after sitting around in Dani's room watching her play weird games- killing stick people with a cannon and such- Brian finally got there and brought me my birthday present. Yay for macro lenses! Then I went home and slept.

Maybe it's what happens when a couple has been together a long time, or because Ben's gotten used to not seeing or talking to me much, but there are little things that I'm starting to notice. Things he used to do just because he cared. Like how late last night up at the boat I walked to the bathhouse and he just got in bed and listened to music. A year ago, he would never have let me walk there in the dark alone, but now he doesn't give it a second thought. A year ago, he wouldn't have stayed at the little dinner thing they had for everyone who participated in the race when I left to go back to the boat because I was tired. He would have followed me like a puppy. Even if he did stay it would have only been for a few minutes, not over an hour during which he and everyone else went out to get food, without telling me of course, as I was a whole two hundred yards from the car. If I wanted to sit around without him I would have stayed at home. A year ago he never would have ignored me for a night because of something so small. A year ago he never would have told me he would see me then decided not to because he wanted to go to youth group. I didn't even know he was in a youth group last year. I know wanting him to value me over it is wrong but I hate feeling abandoned. A year ago, he wouldn't have tried to make me choose between being with him around people I don't like and being alone.

nothing else to say except fuck you Sideburns and jgreening

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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
12:03 am

I've been thinking. I have many best friends, but each of them for a different use. Brian for classic rock and anything badass along with camping and funnel cakes, also for beating up stupid boys. Jessica for my creative/punk rock/photography/cheesy horror movie/cat sides. May for listening/anything Chinese/buffet restaurants/animal shelters. Everyone sees a different part of me, but I don't  have anyone who can take over everything. Someone who completely understands me, and that I can trust.
Speaking of trust, the same thing happens. Different people can be trusted with different types of secrets. Sometimes not because of their personalities but just because of how close we are otherwise or how long we've been friends. For example, only Ben knows the true details of what screwed my family up, especially Brian. May I'd tell if she asked. What is it about Robert that makes me not trust him with a secret? He seems to be everyone else's communal diary, so what's the difference with me?

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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
7:19 pm

Trading Cards
Paid Account Edition
User Number: 3107850
Date Created:05/10/04
Number of Posts: 12

black_sand is a moody college student who desperately wants to move to Seattle. She enjoys music and cooking, though the food might not always taste pleasant. She also loves photography, running, and camping.
Strengths: Creativity, forgiving, enjoys challenging self, "only cares about what [she] feels like caring about".
Weaknesses: Irish accents, big brown eyes, math, easily hurt, artistic or musically talented guys, also procrastinates.
Special Skills: Photograpy, running, listening, crazy art.
Weapons: words, sneak attacks.
Motto: I can't control my destiny/I trust my soul/My only goal is just to be

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Friday, October 21st, 2005
8:55 pm
Now I remember why I left this journal in the first place.

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
6:52 pm - new class
Today I began my french II class. It's going to be kinda hard I think. I have all sorts of vocabulary to memorize and there are some things we never really got into in high school. We have all this homework every day too. It's a good group of people though so hopefully it'll be fun.
There's one girl though who always, as my grandma would say, has an ugly look on her face. It really is ugly though. She always looks like a snooty person being harassed by a beggar or a prostitute.

current mood: thirsty

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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
7:35 pm - pirate name test

My pirate name is:

Dirty Mary Bonney

You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

current mood: peaceful

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Monday, October 17th, 2005
10:19 pm - eye issues and such
This morning as I was driving back to school my eye suddenly started to hurt. Sharp pains didn't seem normal, especially paired with seeing weird spots. Convinced I had some horrible condition that might cause me to go blind, I turned around immediately and went to my eye doctor. Turns out I have dry eye syndrome(which I already knew) and something called blepharitis. Basically it means that somehow my tear ducts are kind of clogged but it can be easily fixed by a warm wet washcloth. Much better than knives and lasers.
The experience reminded me of how when I was at a girl's birthday party when I was little, I hurt her eye. I had found a needle lying in the carpet and went to her room holding it out in front of me. She opened the door, and somehow it ended up poking her in the inside corner of her eye. She ran to her parents crying. I heard later she had had to get surgery. I still wonder how I ended up doing something so stupid.
I could barely drive after they had dialated my pupils and it hurt like hell to try, so I sat around watching tv and then went to Lakeside to visit people. Mr. Devastey was excited to see and show me off to the freshmen as his favorite student ever. He said lots of things I couldn't understand and called Ben on my phone, then left. I saw Ben for about five minutes, then he left and I drove back to school.
I have a speech due tomorrow that I should probably be writing. I don't like speech class. I think the thing that bothers me may be the pointless strategies and my teacher's overuse of hand gestures. I have to teach the class how to train for or run a 5k. It should be easy enough, but I guess I'm just lazy. This entry is probably an excuse for me not to work.

current mood: lazy

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Thursday, October 21st, 2004
8:19 pm

i have to say, cold tomato rice soup is gross. even warm, it's gross.

that is all.


current mood: loved

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Saturday, September 18th, 2004
9:30 pm - stolen from trunksishot14

bold the truth:

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have a nice butt, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal 
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast

29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past
37 I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am always single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone 
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with my Livejournal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I think Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger-- no, but I've been hit on by someone 10 years older.
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before--i love wine
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work or school to be on Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy country music
89. I would die for my best friends
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist!!
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all--i love his music
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy--among many other things
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

current mood: giddy

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Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
1:51 pm - quizzes

?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Your element is earth: Wise, solitary, mysterious
and loving. You are very wise. Your wise as in
you know things others do not, you can see past
stereotypes and see the real people behind
their facades, and people will often come to
you for help and advice. Quite solitary and
somewhat shy around people because you prefer
animals and plants, animals aren't afraid to
show themselves or what they are feeling and
plants are fun to nurture. You are very strong
in your silence if you set your mind on
something you will often times pursue it to the
end. Sometimes you just want to get away, so
you seek refuge in the forest where you can
have time to think and try to sort out your
emotions. The sound of the wind usually calms
you, especially moving through the trees. Life
to you is something precious and should not be
taken for granted.

.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

You represent... hope.
You represent... hope.
You're quite a daydreamer and can be a hopeless
romantic. You enjoy being creative and don't
mind being alone at times. You have goals, and
know what you want in life... even if they are
a little far fetched.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

picture of penguin

brought to you by Quizilla

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Sunday, June 20th, 2004
8:04 am - this is the end, beautiful friend

i guess this has something to do with watching thirteen days last night... it makes very little sense to me otherwise.

i was buying jeans for school that day and found out they didn't fit after i bought them. i also went to the grocery store looking for God knows what. i was late to pick up may so i ran outside to the neighbor's yard to my car. but it wasn't there. there were 20+ other white cars there to confuse me. i ran around looking for my car but never found it. instead i saw soviet carmakers and knew i had to get away. i ran in the direction of this little gas-station type store and met up with raina and a couple other people. we all needed a ride to school but we just forgot about it. we were looking around inside the store and had gone back outside when all the soviets started chasing us and attacking with swords. someone got stabbed. then it started into the next dream...


current mood: mellow

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Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
5:50 pm - tired of waiting

i'm feeling kinda bad about wasting these days away waiting for the moment i can finally leave. i've been looking forward to no school for 180 days and now i'm not even making the most of my time. but there's absolutely nothing to do around here... and i still have to wait another 22 1/2 hours before we meet at the airport.

current mood: impatient

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Thursday, May 20th, 2004
7:20 pm - the truth is a bitter friend

I want my seniors back.

i went outside after school thinking about how i would miss most of the seniors a little but not all that much. then i saw my parking lot. normally there is an incredible traffic jam and cars everywhere, but i realized that it was....empty. not in a "good, i can get out of here in an hour" kind of way, it seemed lonely and desolate. and who did i remember to say goodbye to before i left? one person. these people mean so much to me, and now they're gone. of course, some will show up to the occasional cross country meet or i'll see them at the movie theater thanksgiving night, but it will never be the same.

current mood: nostalgic

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Sunday, May 16th, 2004
5:32 pm

watching the smoke rise from an incense stick....

we had a meeting about france today at mellow mushroom. missed running a neighborhood 5k, but i probably would've been pissed at my time. i can't wait until next week is over.  for now, i think i'll distract myself from all that with a quiz.

current mood: blAh
asshole of the day: whoever took snl off comedy central and gave me mad tv as a consolation prize
current music: a perfect circle


How old are you? 17
How old are you mentally? 17 
Describe yourself in 5 words. moody, creative, contemplative, searching, unsatisfied 
How long does it take you get get ready in the morning? 1 hour... it takes me a while to wake up

Do you dream at night? yeah 
Do you remember your dreams? sometimes
Describe one. just one? ok, i was inside this huge building and inside was a desert. there was a dusty old war going on, and i was with a group of people following secret passages in the walls, and they were just like the tunnels in discovery zone. then i found a door to the side of the war and went outside into the night to this incredibly beautiful place. there were large boulders and small streams that made a small deep pool then flowed beyond the edge of the ground.(there was a sudden drop- the rocks and streams just kinda ended and there was the sky) i sat by a one stream and was watching the sunset. of course, i couldn't see the sun, just colors fading into night.  there were tons of stars. i wish there were really a place like that, it was amazing.  
What time do you go to bed usually? around 10 
What time do you wake up normally? 6:15
What time do you wake on weekends? 9
Do you find waking late nice or annoying? nice
do you sleep with one pillow or two? one

Do you like school? i like some parts but mostly no
Why/why not? the school treats me like an idiotic, untalented, worthless prisoner
Whats ur fave subject? french
Most hated subject? i'd have to say chemistry, just because it's kinda hard 
Do you have a fave teacher? mrs. paxton 
Ever had a crush on a teacher? no                    Are you a math/science person or an english/drama person?  english/drama

Do you have heaps of friends? i don't go around counting them 
Do you have a best friend? yes
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? girl 
Do you ever get annoyed at any friend? sometimes 
Have you ever lied to a friend? yes
Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? no

Do you like your parents? sometimes 
Ever run away from home? yes, me and my best friend ran away together when we were 6 years old
Ever thought about it? ... 
Do you feel your parents spoil you? yes 
Do you not get along with any of your family? i don't get along with my mother very much
Do you have big family get togethers ever? not much, the last one was when i was around 9 or 10 

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no
If so, are you in love with them?... 
Do they love you? ...
How long have you been together?...  
Most romantic thing they'
ve ever done for you?...  
Do you have a crush? sorta 
If so, are you in love? no
Do they know you like them? i'm not sure 
Is it serious or playful? serious
How long have you liked them? on and off for about a year 
Ever done something stupid to impress them? no
Have you ever experienced unrequited love? i guess
Do u find it romantic or hurtful? hurtful
Even know what it is?                                 Do you believe in love at first sight? yes<           Have you ever experienced it? yes
Describe the person in 5 words. beautiful, incredibly talented, intelligent, wonderful

Do you have a religion? presbeteryian(sp?)  
Do you practice it i.e go to church? yes 
Do you believe in God? yes
Jesus? yes
Satan? yes
Heaven? yes
Hell? yes
If you died tomorrow what do you believe will happen to you? i really don't know
Does death scare you? it scares the hell out of me

Have you ever been drunk? no  
Taken drugs? no
Stolen? yes
Shoplifted? once when i was like 9 i took this cheap $3 ring. i never even wore it though  
Tried to commit suicide? no
Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? no 
Gotten into a fight? no
Are you more innocent or guilty? i'm more of both 
Would you date a drug addict? no
Have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict? no
Are you racist? no 
Are you discriminatory to anyone? i try not to be 
Have you been a hypocrite in the past? sometimes
Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? open

Do you watch tons of tv? depends                       
How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? 3 or 4
Do you listen to the radio often? no, the  commercials are really annoying                      
Do you read the newspaper? i read the opinion page 
Do you read magazines? yes
Are you a couch potato? not when i can think of something better to do
Do you use the internet too much? no

Whats your fave style of music? classic rock
Do you play an instrument? flute                    What instrument would you like to play? violin
Do you sing? in my car 
Whats your fave band? led zeppelin!!  
Have you met them before? no
Name 3 cds that youve bought in that last year. i've only bought two- led zeppelin IV and notre dame de paris.
Why did you buy them? i knew they were really good

Whats your fave sport? soccer....or maybe cross country 
Whats your fave sport to watch? baseball
Do you have a fave team of any sort? atlanta braves, of course
Do you play a lot of sports? i run mostly
Ever won anything for sport? yes, medals and trophies for local races

Are you funny or serious? depends 
Creative or not? creative
Logical thinker or lateral thinker? both
Are you outgoing or shy? both
Are you lazy or active? more active
Have you ever been hyperactive? yes
Are you a naturally hyperactive person? i am if i want to be

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Monday, May 10th, 2004
9:19 pm - *sigh*
first entry, let's get it over with.

today could have been better. but all the stupid crap that happens every day kinda messed it up. and for once, band wasn't the problem. we were 'learning' how to find meaningless numbers from graphs of hyperbolas, which as usual meant that the fat teacher was too lazy to get out of her chair to actually explain the problems on the board so we had to teach ourselves how to do everything from the book again. i hate that woman. then there was an hour long intruder alert because two poor black men(according to this guy who was in the office)robbed a house and were running around the neighborhood trying to elude police. one was caught in the woods behind the school while the other one obviously had the intention of hiding in our school and terrorizing the innocent children where they would be pretty much trapped... anyways, most of the day was wasted away reading crime and punishment during class and dreaming of the last day of school. i think tomorrow will be better though. i'll have the track banquet to look forward to which will be fun if not completely packed. and also, we finished that annoying learn-to-read-french book so 2nd period should be nothing but movies, crazy rantings from that strange haitian guy who happens to be our teacher, and a whole lot of chocolate cream cake.

current mood: blah

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